The Amazing Unknown (A Quitter's Lament)
I am not really sure how it happened, it just kinda did. Both music and running where a big part of who I was, but then just like that they vanished. Some would call me a burnout. Some would call me a quitter and for the most part you would be right. I do not think I ever made the decision to stop it just kinda happened. I remember on one run I was thinking of what my next album would sound like and then I instantly thought "Who cares." For the longest time I was so concerned of what everyone would think of me when I released music or ran a race. I started thinking about where all this came from. I mean I know part of it comes with the territory but it was deeper than that.
I grew up in church and was dedicated to leading worship for a long time. It wasn't until my early twenties that I left. Once I left I lost a lot of mentors and friends. It was like I had an sign on my back that said "Forever Unclean." All those pastors and friends who would call me up to lead worship at their church or help them with some music endeavor for their ministry just stopped calling.. maybe even stopped caring. This feeling was carried into my life much later, which then made me second guess everything I did from running to music to anything in between. I do consider myself lucky though. I married an amazing woman who constantly challenges me to be better what I think is my best. Lately as we do most Friday nights we try to slow things down a bit. Instead of going out we try to stay home and try to unwind and make time to communicate what we failed to do during the week due to the chaos of life. This particular Friday Kaitlyn challenged me to stop trying to please my past. Stop trying to make everything the way it was and jump in with both feet into the unknown. Now, to me, that is the scariest thing in the world. Realizing that fear has been the only constant thing in my life I have decided to make some adjustments at the ripe young age of 31.
1) Face Fear Head On:
This literally means do everything that scares me. When it comes down to running or music it means to face my insecurities which is tough cause I have a lot of them.
2) Slow Things Down:
24 hours a day does not mean to cram everything you can into each hour or day of the week. Rest days in running are so crucial but also in life. Take the time to emotionally, physically and even spiritually recharge. This also means learning to say "No" which is crucial for this step to work. Everything is either going to get you closer to who and where you want to be or further away from it. Choose wisely.
3) Show Love:
Pretty self explanatory but this also means to show it on a community level. This probably goes hand in hand with step 2 but it may require us to slow things down to show love to those we are about and also to show love to ourselves.
4) Live Simply:
That's exactly just it. Nothing else to it. There is no use in keeping up with the Joneses cause in the end they are not you and they do not define you. You do you.
5) Let It Go:
Do not carry around pounds and pounds of baggage. Your emotional backpack is a tool not a storage unit. Choose wisely what to take with you and what to leave behind and remember every adventure requires a different set of tools.
Again, this is a reminder for me. If this helps anyone in any way that is awesome but the process of writing this out and putting it out there is a way to keep myself accountable. I hope to log more miles, write more songs and share more of my journey with you soon. At the end of the day I know I am blessed. I have an incredible wife and community to bounce these conversations off of, and yes, YOU are part of that as well! I am excited to share my story with you and announce my new song "Save Me" will be available on May 6th!
Thanks for reading, be back soon!