I like the Fall. Always have. I think it is because growing up in Walla Walla the city would burst with color and life. Or maybe it was because Football starts and Baseball gets exciting. Or maybe it is cause my birthday is in October. Nonetheless it is one of the only changes that happens I get very excited about. I do not do well with change, in fact it scares me. Recently my family and I went through a big change. My father and mother split and my mother left back to El Salvador where she is from. As with any divorce there was chaos and pain and a lot wounded hearts are laying around in the aftermath. Again, I do not take change well. There is no choice. No matter how hard you try to talk, yell, and cry this change is not up to you, this is the hardest type change. But it happens and once it does there is a high level of chaos with everyone holding on to what they can as this change shakes everyone to their core.
My parents splitting up now is nothing out of the blue, we all saw it coming and were just sad and hurt that it could not have been worked out. Growing up all the signs where there of a family that had chaos in its roots, but you do the best you can, and that is what my parents did. I never had a moment where I longed for attention, maybe acceptance, but not attention. I have good memories growing up in Walla Walla and the fun I had with both my Mom and Dad. The chaos had been planted early though. You could see it more between my sister and I as years went by. There was always a sense of deep rooted indifference due to someone getting a different opportunity than the other one. Later in life this would change from little things to sparing for the acceptance of our parents. Now as we are all very exhausted from the months leading up to this event you can start to see how we are all wounded. Unfortunately as much as I would want to feel close to my sister there will have to be time and possibly conversations to heal that wound as well. It's true what they say, when parents split up it's the kids that suffer, even if those kids are in their 30's. Change is hard, and it is never over and done either.
When I think back to how we grew up I smile a lot but there is also some pain there. Now in my 30's, married, and starting to plan a future for my family, I try to think of change like seasons. Some are better than others, some are cold, or hot , and even feel shorter but it is all leading somewhere. Like I said Fall is gorgeous, before everything goes to sleep it shows its best colors and then fades away. In a way I think this is what happened to my family, but it all leads somewhere. I miss my Mom, my Dad, and my Sister, but there has to be some darkness for the new bloom to come. I know my family needs to heal, the death of my family unit is not permanent, it is a season of healing now. I hope that we come out of this ready to bloom one day.
"Death, be not proud, though the whole world fear you:
Mighty and dreadful you may seem,
But death, be not proud, for your pride has failed you
You will not kill me."